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Brother Bean Checks in with a Word about Kansas

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NOTE FROM RUSS: The following post comes from my brother, who is a lifelong resident of Kansas. His nom de plume will be “Brother Bean,” which stems from his childhood nickname for being a lanky son of a gun. I never did like to wrestle with this dude either. He’d pin ya good.

Brother Bean had to raise an eyebrow when he read the latest Lugenpresse tall-tale and yarn about an American Airlines pilot who, on a long haul flight to Phoenix, Arizona, threatened to put the plane down in Kansas and dump off Trumpians there in the dead of winter if they didn’t stop chanting “USA, USA, USA.”

This scene harkens back to Steve Martin and John Candy in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles.” The duo was stranded in Wichita, Kansas, during a snow storm. Maybe the same script writers? I hope you agree that Brother Bean can spin a good yarn in his own right.

The encounter with Kansans, naturally.


By Brother Bean

I commend the pilot who threatened to drop patriots or Trump supporters or whoever off in the middle of Kansas. I can imagine a hush of terror gripping the people on that flight.

For one, they could actually have been flying above Kansas, which is dangerous enough; and secondly, being stranded here would surely have resulted in a death worse than death. I’ve seen with my own eyes the remains of outsiders scattered throughout the state — or is it the nation of Kansas?

Anyhow, I can think of no worse place for anyone to be.

Have you heard the magical-thinking line from “The Wizard of Oz,” “I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore”? Good! Stay not in Kansas.

This is a public service announcement to all human beings everywhere in the world no matter the race, religion or political affiliation: DO NOT come to Kansas. I repeat, DO NOT come to Kansas!

It’s a nightmare here. A living HELL. I’m not kidding.

Rattlesnakes, tumble weeds, stinging insects, flies and mosquitoes are the norm here. They infect every inch of the vast never-ending stretches of barren heat-scorched sage brush and dried-up creeks, where in summer the temperatures commonly reach 125 degrees Fahrenheit.

Locusts

It’s so hot, you can fry eggs on your counter INSIDE the house, if you’re lucky enough to have eggs, or a counter, or a house.

In the winter, the temperatures can plunge to minus 75 degrees Fahrenheit, with blinding snow and ice sheets of freezing rain so thick that the poor people here cower, huddled in their hovels around smoky wood stoves for weeks at a time. Only, instead of wood, they use buffalo dung as fuel, if they are lucky enough to have fuel at all. If not we have to burn dried grass and sometimes coal (if we’re lucky) we find along the railroad tracks that has fallen from coal cars that pass through on their way to civilized societies elsewhere over the barren horizon.

Furthermore, everyone is aware of the tornadoes.

Now, imagine not only a tornado (near daily occurrence here) screaming and shrieking just outside your hut and, after totally leveling everything as far as the eye can see, you think the danger has passed, but noooo.

Suddenly, the snakes lifted into the sky by the tornado come raining down all around; venomous, all of them, hissing and angry and so thick it takes days for them to slither back into their dens. But not before they’ve bitten tens of thousands of people, overwhelming our already Covid-packed emergency tents. Correct, tents.

There are no hospitals here, or roads, or infrastructure, so don’t bother to travel or visit ’cause you can’t. I’m serious, stay away.

When it’s not tornadoes, lightning strikes and snakes, it’s the flies. They actually LATCH on to the flesh of anything dead or alive, and they don’t just buzz; they bite. Real hard.

Over in Colorado, they have mosquitoes, but they know NOTHING about insects. All of them here carry diseases. So even if you are not bitten (which you will be), their diseases are carried by the wind for 200 feet, according to the CDC, and they can be asymptomatic. So, yes, folks, typically you won’t be showing symptoms. Thus, you must be tested, and often. And they stick it far up into your nostril.

As for other wildlife, there are a few mangy squirrels. They are vicious. Rats, too. Most of the wildlife has rabies, so if you enjoy getting vaccines, try our frequent rabies shot regimen. On second thought, don’t ’cause there aren’t any paved roads to get to the medical tents, just rocky trails.

Also, if you are looking for excitement, you’ll have to be into cow tipping, because that’s all there is to do. It’s that or join one of the farmer’s cults. But I recommend cow tipping, since all the farmers do is work, and who wants to do anything productive!? That’s why we regard them as a cult; and besides, the only work here you can do is gather buffalo dung and snake venom or flies that we export to other parts of country where they have fish. There aren’t any fish here.

The rivers and lakes all turned to blood years ago. I could go on and on, but hopefully you get the idea.

It is said a wise man will instruct others, and I may not be wise (because I live in Kansas), but you’d be doing yourselves a favor not to come here or even to fly over.

I honestly think the rest of the country should consider having Kansas excluded from the union. Save yourselves. Most of us Kansans would probably be okay with that. Yessiree Bob, you are best off there in New York or California, or in sunny Portland.

22 Comments on Brother Bean Checks in with a Word about Kansas

  1. Rattlesnakes, eh? (I’ve beheaded a few…) Gee I didn’t know they went that far north….but at least you don’t have mountain lions, javelinas and bears, oh my!–from a “pioneer” woman in far west Texas, rural remote mountain region (not El Paso, thank God!)

  2. Yalll know where Concordia is? Anyway you head down the main road out toward Colorado way, make a left and there’s the worlds largest Twine Ball, I Sh!t you not. Gotta picture of my 80 year old mom smoking a ciggie in front of it…Oh, and the oldest hamburger joint not too far away neither in Salina, talked to the owner and legend has it an employee got fired for adding cheese to the burger. Great little burgers too

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biggest_ball_of_twine

    http://www.kansastravel.org/cozyinn.htm

    • Off topic unless we consider being forced out of a plane, over Kansas, as dropping like a stone.

      Mr. Winter, I will keep this short and to a minimum, while adding Mr. BGNZ started it yesterday with talk of the S&P; it is not my fault and I should not get a “time out”. (You both should know that I am just kidding on this whole paragraph).

      Now for the serious stuff BGNZ:

      Any idea whatsoever as to why the REITs are not in complete and total free fall mode at the moment (even being pushed out of planes over Kansas)?

      Sure they have higher than usual dividends and you can do some interesting tax maneuvers with them. Also they can borrow at will and repurchase shares if they do not wish to buy into the mortgage markets, but I would think they should be falling out of the sky all over the United States by now.

      Disclaimer: Nothing we say here should be considered “professional advice” to suggest any action by anyone who reads this conversation. This is just two guys :shooting the sh-t”. Do not bet your house or farm, or Dorthy’s farm or the Wizard’s castle, on anything mentioned here.

      Thank you.

      Best,
      SC

      • Regarding REITs: 2 things, never trust the NAV . We have no idea what true valuations are of the assets or contracts.

        second: A good friend of mine in LA handles leases for commercial properties in a publicly traded REIT. From his perspective, they rolled the past due rents for the 1st 3 months back into the 10 year lease spreading out the trauma…OK, all good, But now they are sitting on 9 months of arrears and it seems as though they (The Lessor and Lessee) have gone Turtle…Everyone seems to be in denial and engaging in hope for a magical bail out “like last time right?”

        • First, thank you; I do not have too much time today, but I wanted to thak you for your insightful analysis.

          Agreed on paragraph 1 completely.

          Agreed on paragraph 2 completely, with the add on that those REITs holding the larger retail operations and malls should be in free fall without money to afford the paper for any future prospectus or the morning coffee. Malls were already losing the battle for the last 10 years due to moves for more plaza like retail spaces.

          With all the problems related to Conjob, they are either:

          1. Dead man walking

          2. Shells

          3. Soon to be extra parking (for what I do not know)

          4. Tenement type housing sans kitchens and showers (I have seen one version of this)

          And / or (drum roll please — and this is a big one)

          5. New locations for mosques

          (I do not kid here — if Saudi Arabia will foot the rent, then no one is saying “NO”, which is funny since many malls are owned by Jewish citizens — just like the arms trade, if it works, it works and all issues are forgotten)

          Thank you very much for the response. Yesterday, I needed a “head check” after a thing that covered my thoughts on the current position of REITs, and I came to WW to have some time to think on other matters / distract myself from my own day.

          Then I saw you had been on the thread and thought I could get your perspective on this topic; I am very appreciative. 110% in agreement on this one:

          “Everyone seems to be in denial and engaging in hope for a magical bail out “like last time right?”

          Best…

    • Would have been funny if she tossed the butt in the thing and set is ablaze.

      “We had a big a-s ball of twine until someone tossed their Benson & Hedges Menthol in it.”

    • Yes, especially if you like corn. Pop corn (not to be confused with Corn Pop, the new Secretary of Defense), corn on the cob, ethanol, corn fields, aliens making crop circles in corn (see Mr. Winter I am beginning to get those aliens up here), corn houses, creamed corn, corny jokes, etc.

      If you like any of the above, then Kansas would be a good choice for the future.

  3. Problem is: lots of people are not heeding your warnings:

    https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-liberal-invasion-of-red-state-america-kristen-b-tate/1129856677

    ==
    And speaking of “we’re not in Kansas anymore” … state National Guard troops occupying the capitol city nine days before a new executive will be inaugurated in semi-secret … and where a few hour disturbance in a single building was quelled five days ago … but during which someone seized electronic devices belonging to key legislators …

    https://www.militarytimes.com/news/your-military/2021/01/10/have-gun-will-travel-national-guard-comes-to-dc-armed-and-ready-to-protect/

    (the link says they are there to ensure that another “insurrection” does not take place)…

    … the current executive said by some to be at a federal military base, an important command center, in a state where he enjoys large public support and where important political allies are located

    ==

    I’m dealing with some not-in-Kansas-anymore feelings this morning, as well … it could be nothing…

  4. WW Friends,

    Happy Monday to all at WW. I do not have much to any time, but just wanted to mention a few things I noticed today and from the weekend:

    1. The armchair, alleged, retired spy ring on Bit Chute seems to have gotten their timing / story off. Nothing happened on Saturday night and nothing occurred last night. The Internet seems to be flowing and all monetary verification systems are operating as usual this morning.

    President Trump has not surfaced with gold plated armor, on a white steed or a pale white stallion. For that matter, I have seem now reports of a, blazing, pink marble chariot on any field of battle. So I am not thinking he will be leading the charge from the front today.

    Now perhaps, depending on his mood, there will be a larger order of fries or an extra apple pie for lunch (trust me — NO HAPPY MEALS ARE TO BE ORDERED FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH!), but other than that I am not even sure that we will see the man for a while (maybe at the end with one of those “fight on messages” or some such thing).

    And

    2. Mr. Winter definitely has the right idea on the first post (below) for this thread. We are going to see goofy stories ad nauseum about patriots / Trump supporters who are being mistreated everywhere in the nation. We may even get a few international stories of leaders snubbing President Trump at this stage.

    Eh, I would not give them too much of your mental RAM. We have great threads to read here, for those who have time this week these are the interesting documentaries and a bunch of friends to reach out to here. Let the “news” just pass you by. Other than (perhaps) the weather (which as we know from the Vietnam War can be manipulated), what else would you need from local / national news.

    Boy I miss the days of “Cat Stuck in a Tree” stories, where little Timmy launches a daring rescue to save Fluffy for Mrs. English (a senior of the community who taught at the local school for 40 years and still volunteers to play the piano for the Christmas pageant).

    As I really do miss the type of news story I mentioned (above), I am not going to get into any stories this morning, The thought had crossed my mind, but instead I think I will leave it to observations about the weekend and an agreement with Mr. Winter.

    I hope all of you have a good week.

    All my best,
    Simple Citizen

  5. Messrs, Winter,

    This is an excellent thread and I am grateful; in fact it made my morning. Mr. Winter (or if I may Brother Bean — it is always the lanky ones that are a handful on the mat — yes, I prefer boxing, but I also did a bit of wrestling in my time), I found this paragraph extremely relatable:

    “As for other wildlife, there are a few mangy squirrels. They are vicious. Rats, too. Most of the wildlife has rabies, so if you enjoy getting vaccines, try our frequent rabies shot regimen. On second thought, don’t ’cause there aren’t any paved roads to get to the medical tents, just rocky trails.”

    Now I realize you were discussing Kansas; however, may I add that you have also, very succinctly, described the District of Columbia. The only thing you are missing is the smell in Foggy Bottom and Georgetown when the sewers back up, which is when the rats go swimming.

    Overall I found this whole thread very entertaining and I am appreciative. Obviously an ability to write well must be in the DNA of the Winter line.

    All my best,
    Simple Citizen

    • Although Brother Bean is often too blackpilled and defeatist, when he gets inspiration he is one of the best comedic yarn spinners out there. He is a mix between old schoolers Mark Twain and Will Rogers and I say that without familial bias. He even looked a bit like Rogers when he was younger.

      • Always liked Will Rogers. Speaking of Mark Twain and being stuck somewhere (all his books aside), his former home is about the only good thing to do if you find yourself in Hartford, Connecticut.

        Best…

  6. Get use to these psyop yarns about dumping deplorables in places like Kansas. To the brainwashed pajama people this Kansas reference is equivalent to Siberian gulags. They will send deplorables there for reeducation and even executions.

    • Actually its Anchorage Alaska, they have a facility there that has a capacity for 1 million people. How do I know? Well, I know of a contract to build body monitoring devices and they needed that many as a start. I will say this about Kansas….Its Flaaaaaaaat, but the people are wonderful and the Walmart has the same sh!t as everywhere else.

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