Was Albino Python ‘Sam’ Abducted by a ‘Dangerous Faggot’?

A missing 17-foot albino Burmese python reappeared at his Alaska home Monday as suddenly as he disappeared two weeks ago, according to Fox News.

The 100-pound snake, named Sam, went missing on April 24 while his owner, David Hyde, was doing yard work, according to the Alaska Dispatch News. Hyde was working outside again on Monday and left his door open. When he returned to the house, he found Sam inside as if he’d never left.

“I decided he was gone forever, and I thought it’d be OK to leave my door open so I could come and go as I was working on chores,” Hyde told ABC. “And there he was.”

An odd story, sure. Likely? No way. Nobody just loses track of a 17-foot animal that is banned in the United States. Though the story made international news and the community launched an extensive search, there were no sightings of the massive reptile — or were there?

On Friday, self-proclaimed “dangerous faggot” Milo Yiannopoulos made an orchestrated appearance donning a massive albino Burmese python and flanked by shirtless muscular black men during his Cinco de Milo launch party for his newest attempt at self-promotion, Milo Inc.

Is it possible that Israeli-flag-waving pedophile-loving Milo abducted or “borrowed” Sam for some ritualistic party activity? After all, one should never underestimate the lengths to which a queen will go to make a grand entrance.

And it’s not like Milo never visits Alaska.

The conclusion of the Fox story provides this disturbing detail:

Hyde said, while he wasn’t sure where the snake was for two weeks, Sam appeared to have roofing tar on parts of his body when he finally returned home.

Hmm. I’d have that “roofing tar” tested for HIV and hepatitis.

Is this all just a cowinkydink, conspiracy theorists? As we always say at TNN: You decide.